Insult-a-Group: FBIS

I intended to write a poorly constructed Finance, Banking & Investment Society insult when I started, but now I must deliver to you a poorly-constructed warning: FBIS WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

I visited FBIS's Web site and noticed a startling fact: They use 7.5-point font! Am I the only one shocked by this? It's simply Phase 1 of their plan!

What's Phase 2? Please, do not read on if you are faint of heart or are pregnant, because the news will shock you. They archive their newsletter in WORD format. You heard me! WORD format! It is obvious what FBIS is trying to do: decrease our eyesight by having us read 7.5- point font, hurting our eyes so much we won't be able to tell what files from the Web site we are opening. Then, as we go to casually check out what's new in this week's newsletter, WHAM! We're hit with a virus that spreads through our computers like wildfire.

FBIS will then have control over all technology. We will revert to a world with no computers, palm pilots or iPods. It will be like we're living in the olden days of 1986. FBIS can then enslave us for their fiendish plots, whatever they may be.

So the next time you're walking through Van Munching Hall and see FBIS selling muffins in a bake sale, walk away. That muffin could be a muffin of ANARCHY!!!

Student buys Elkton Hall using Carlton Sheets' NO MONEY DOWN method

Two months ago, Peter Milton was an average college freshman struggling to succeed both in and out of the classroom. Peter's life consisted of going to class, going to work and masturbating to pictures of the Maryland volleyball team. He seemed to be heading nowhere fast.

But last year Peter saw an infomercial for Carlton Sheets' patented "NO MONEY DOWN" real estate investment course. Peter decided that it was time to become financially independent and made the call.

"When I saw the ad on TV, I thought, 'Oh sure, they can succeed, but what chance do I have?' But when I saw there was an opportunity for a $9.95 free trial, I took the money out of my roommate's pants and called right away."

Peter's personal copy of NO MONEY DOWN arrived at campus mail services three days later. He received it in his mailbox the next month. Peter immediately knew what he had to do: get drunk on cheap beer and make fun of Gemstone students. After that, he knew what he also had to do: put Carlton Sheets' plan into action. "I found it was surprising easy to follow Carlton's instructions," Peter said. "In fact, I'd wager that a mildly retarded orangutan could follow them! Well, maybe not, but you get the idea."

Just months later, Peter made his first purchase: the Aviary building (that little house with all the bees). Using the patented NO MONEY DOWN plan, Peter bought the Aviary from the school for next to nothing, then sold it to a group of skin-irritation fetishists for THOUSANDS.

Peter continued to acquire properties - Classroom Building, Cole Field House, and that trailer in front of the Health Center. He used that cash flow to make his biggest purchase yet: Elkton Hall.

"If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be standing in front of you, owner of over a dozen campus buildings, I'd have punched you in the groin," Peter said. "Now, however, I can believe that ANY student can do it - but not here, I don't need competition. Here it only works for me."

Peter shared his success story with oth- ers on Carlton Sheets' latest infomercials. "I went from masturbating to pictures of volleyball players to masturbating ON volleyball players. And with Carlton Sheets' NO MONEY DOWN plan, I'll be able to make bail!"

Insult-a-Group: Erasable Inc.

First off, I should let you all know that I was rejected from Erasable Inc. last year. I’d like to think that it was because I was a headstrong rebel who played by his own rules, but it probably had more to do with my tanking at the auditions. Thankfully, I got over it, and now live an Erasable Inc.-free life. Granted, I enjoy yelling at a group of 4 or 5 supporters on the steps of McKeldin Library as much as the next guy, but I decided it would be best if I made like a tree and went.

However, today I will do a special tribute to the men and women with the overly loud voices. Using a random word generator, I will describe Erasable Inc. in the mad-libs format they so lovingly adapt for improv: “Erasable Inc. is one of the most popular REVOLVERS on campus. They are known for their POISON, SMOKE, and TYPE-WRITER, as well as their famous ARK. Some people think that Erasable Inc. can only make PLANKTON. In actuality, their GENERATOR is first-rate, and deserves all the SPACECRAFT in the world. The mem- bers of Erasable Inc. can often be seen with the latest VACCINE, ready to meet the ANT at any MATCH. If I could give Erasable Inc. anything in the TOASTER, it would have to be my NAIL. Thank you, Erasable Inc. You truly PHOTOGRAPH us all.”

Bathroom Review--(New) Student Union

All the news about the student union’s renovations has been about Chick-Fil-A, the Jim Henson statue and asbestos-mania.

But new bathrooms have been added as well, replacing the famous super-bathroom near the old McDonalds. Do the new ones stand up to their historic forefathers? Yes, but not without a few noticeable problems.

The new bathrooms aren’t as big as the old ones, but are a heck of a lot nicer-looking. Emphasis is placed on the colors gray and black, which contrasts well with the porcelain fixtures. The only problem with this color scheme is the inclusion of dark and powder blue. Putting the colors of UNC and Duke anywhere on this campus is pretty suspect, and it may encourage people to

just pee on the floors. Walking down the hallway, there is no way to know that the proper place to empty your bladder or bowels is just around the corner. The only advertisement for bathrooms is a small, thin sign right next to the door.

The new union bathrooms followed in the footsteps of their quite-famous predecessors. While they can’t equal the history (using the same urinal that Boomer Esiason did!) they make up for it with style and looks. If only I could find them quicker.

Rating: 3 out of 4 flushes

Directions: Enter using the far left entrance. Go down the stairs and towards the new Chevy Chase ATMs. The bathroom is just past there.

Follow Your Money (...as its thrown away)

As all of you non-athletes know, tuition increased a whopping 21 percent this year, much more than the not-so whopping 15 percent that had been expected.

Where did all that money go? This list was intercepted from C.D. Mote’s email account:

• $7,000 to make the Armory classrooms look even more depressing

• $40,000 for updated anti-riot campaign, "Act Like You Know We're Champions, even though we're 0-2"

• $3,000 for truck-resistant official seals in front of the school

• $195.95 taken by state to rotate and balance Governor Ehrlich’s hair

• $300,000 to change signs at the "Pepsi Presents Chevy Chase Court at the Comcast Center on Chipotle Hill"

• $500 to pay Diamondback columnists for articles on the Dining Hall, their "life-changing experience" over the summer, and how there are too many articles on Instant Messenger

• $3 to speed up construction

• $650,000 to erase memories of the ZOOM advertising campaign • $2,750 to rename Midnight Madness "Narcolepsy Influenced Emotional Actions"

• $5,000 for increased hippie-repellent defense system

Campus Bookstore Marred by Separation

Recent visitors to the student union have sadly discovered that the University Book Center’s Team Store has split from the Textbook Division onto different floors. The separation follows months of animosity between the two retail entities.

“I’d come in some mornings and find books strewn all over the place.” said UBC assistant manager Chris Barber, who, like most employees, was shaken up by the split. “The team store really had a strong personality, but man, we never expected it to just move out like that.”

The two divisions united in economic bliss some three decades ago, but the relationship has been strained for some time. Rumors of extra-retail affairs by the team store have been rampant, while the textbook division was busy fighting the Maryland Book Exchange in its professional life. Many observers believe that this left precious little time for the team store, and it consequently went looking for corporate synergy elsewhere.

For months, friends of the two businesses believed that they were staying together “for the sake of the students,” but were no longer doing inventory together. In August, the textbook division went on a well-publicized night on the town with the University Health Center (described by the textbook division as “an old friend”), which may have pushed the team store over the edge.

McDonalds, which is currently lending the space of its former eating area to the team store, issued the following statement: “Me and the team store have been friends for some time, and I had just recently gone through a nasty breakup with my live-in companion, Taco Bell Express.” For now, McDonalds and the team store are keeping their relationship on a purely platonic level.

While some students are holding out hope for a quick reconciliation, student union insiders suspect that the mar- riage is too far gone for any such reunion.

“Now that team store has moved out, textbook division seems to have moved on,” said gossip magazine P.G. County Business Ledger. “The textbook division has already been seen hanging around with a mobile class ring display, and doesn’t appear to be looking back.”

Mother's Day Tips

With Mother's Day fast approaching (yes, it is!), people will be frantically rushing to buy gifts with whatever money they have left-over after 57 Chipotle burritos. Here's what to buy (and what NOT to buy).

• Show mom your thriftiness by spending the rest of your dining hall points on "Mother's Day Cheesesteaks."

• If you buy all your gifts early, make sure to mark them clearly. You don't want your mom walk- ing around in a "#1 Dad" shirt.

• Tis better to give a $29.99 sweatshirt then six $5 left-over Orange Bowl T-shirts.

• Your mom won't believe your protests that Mother's Day is just another Hallmark holiday designed to steal our money if you bring it up on May 11th. Start bitching in advance.

• You can only give mugs for so many years in a row. • No one will believe your "I was too busy deciding who to vote for in the SGA elections" excuse.

• There's no need to make a big deal about spending a lot on a gift, unless there are women around. In that case, talk aloud about how more people need to appreciate

the women of the world, and how you wish the world could be as sensitive as you are. This will give you the appearance of sincerity!

• Gifts for mom: Good. Gifts for grandma: Good. Gifts for your roommate's mom: A little creepy.

• Please, please PLEASE don't write your mom a song, then put it out on an album (applies to Michael Bolton only).

• At one time e-cards, or greeting cards as they were known, came in "paper" form. Maybe you could get one of those from an antique store to show you care.

• Always remember: When in doubt, always give left-over Easter candy.