University Out of Business; Campus Repossessed by Creditors

After years of budget mismanagement and funding cutbacks, the University of Maryland finally reached the end yesterday, closing its doors after almost 150 years of service.

"This is truly a sad day for our school," a visibly shaken ex- President Mote said. "I guess there's no room for ZOOM! in today's fast-paced world."

Creditors have swooped in to reclaim what they can. Comcast has repossessed the Comcast Center and plans to use it as a holding area for unused mass-mailing flyers. William P. Cole

woke from the dead to reclaim his Field House, using it as a staging area for zombie attacks.

Students have been sold off to numerous other schools, including the University of Delaware, DeVry Institute, and Wilson Hill High School. Testudo could not be reached for comment, though he is a favorite to become the mascot of J.C. Penney's new "Scotts Bay" line of turtleneck sweaters. The university's financial problems began in the late 90's when campus executives tried a bold new expansion plan to remain competitive in the global market.

"Admitting more students seemed like a great idea at the time," Mote said. "How was I to know they'd also need housing? I DIDN'T KNOW!"

The university also took a hit in late 2001 when it revealed that it had invested the school's entire savings in stocks, including Enron, WorldCom, Global Crossing and HotMoteXXX.com. Mismanaged spending also took its toll.

"In hindsight, our $3 billion Y2K compliance plan was probably a little much," Mote said. "We just wanted to be really, really, REALLY sure that we could still run our dining hall computers the next day, even though the campus was closed January 1."

In October 2002, the university filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and then hoped for a merger with a more successful school. A combination with the University of Oregon appeared to be a done deal, but the Oregon pulled out at the last minute after refusing to cross-breed a duck with a terrapin.