Kraus resigns in sex scandal with Conochan, ‘Terrified’ Su assumes presidency

Just weeks after winning the SGA Presidency, Action Party Czar Aaron Kraus reluctantly resigned his position after it was revealed that he had been involved in a steamy love tryst with ROC party opponent Kelaine Conochan.

"It is with great regret and remorse that I resign from my position as SGA President, effective immediately," Kraus announced at a press conference attended by this reporter and a few passerbys. "While I have dedicated hour upon hour to winning this election, I just feel that this campus needs me to go away so this scandal can go with me."

News of the scandal broke several days ago, when Kraus and Conochan were spotted making out near the SGA offices by an unidentified pervert. Since then, details of the relationship have leaked out to the media, inspiring a number of responses.

"The President cannot have an extramarital affair!" proclaimed a Diamondback editorial. In response to charges that Kraus in fact is not married, the Diamondback softened their response somewhat, writing that, “while Kraus may not be married, his affair with Conochan is still unacceptable. You can't just start necking with some girl or guy you hate— this isn't 'Cheers'"

With Kraus’s sudden resignation, the election would normally go to the runner-up, Kelaine Conochan. However, due to her involvement in the scandal, Conochan has taken the semester off to host the new reality series "Average SGA Candidate" on Fox. That left the third place candidate, Sing Su of the Underdog Party, as the new president.

"Uh...um...hi?" were Su's first words to the student body. "I, uh, never thought I'd, uh, win this...thing...there's so many peo- ple...watching me...watch...OH GOD NO WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!" Su, the first freshman to be elected SGA President, then fell into the fetal position, mumbling "My baby! My baby! 1600!"

When asked for comment, 4th place finisher Andy LoPresto responded "Don't ask me shit, dog."

Insult-a-Group: FLA

What is the Future Leaders Association? Well, they don’t have a Web site, that’s for sure. And they don’t have any advertisements around campus, either. So who are they? Let’s break it down.

FUTURE: This shows they probably deal with what’s to come in this world. How do they do it? Most likely they have access to some sort of time machine. How and why are unknown, but they must have one. Why else would they have “future” in their name?

LEADERS: A group made up of nothing but leaders? Doesn’t this cause some problems during meeting time? I mean, how do they decide who the leader of the leaders is? Rumble? Drawing straws? Gauntlet fight? Hell if I know.

ASSOCIATION: Damn you! Why does every group put association at the end of their name? I mean, we KNOW you associate! That’s the point of a group, jackass. Just call yourself Future Leaders and we’ll GET THE FREAKING POINT. Jeez, what’s WRONG with these people?

Bathroom Review--Byrd Stadium

Located around the seating bowl, the pooping bowls of Byrd Stadium are pretty much par for the course. It's the urinals—or lack thereof—that set Byrd apart.

Byrd Stadium is one of the few facilities left utilizing the trough. This rarity uses a long metal basin (hence the name) with a constant trickle of water to sweep away the pee. This allows for maximum usage during halftime, when people would much rather use the restroom than watch the university band's "tribute to foam".

Byrd's bathrooms on the whole, however, are pretty sparse. Besides the necessities-troughs, toilets, and the large sinks-there's not much else there. This play decision makes sense for the venue, but a little more room wouldn't necessitate standing within 2 inches of a class of '40 alumnus.

Byrd Stadium's bathrooms aren't spectacular, but why should they be? They do the job, and do it well.

Rating: 3 flushes (2 for the setup, plus 1 for the troughs)

Directions: Look for the big building with the field in the middle of it, idiot.

Cicadas Take North Campus

The human population of the University of Maryland was dealt a hard blow yesterday, as invading cicadas firmly entrenched themselves in North Campus.

"We believe that North Campus fell between 2 and 3 a.m.," a visibly shaken General C. D. Mote announced in his daily briefing. "Tactical errors, such as a lack of citronella candles and the deaths of freaks who like to eat these things have really set us back."

It's been eight days since the cicadas began their attack on the university. Originally seen as a mere insurgent group, the cicadas made the campus take notice when they swarmed Easton Hall. The university proclaimed Easton Hall to be an "acceptable loss," but began counter- attacks once the cicadas moved in on the CRC.

Former Elkton Hall resident Scott Wilson described the situation as "hell on earth. They're just too little for us to fight, but too annoying for us to ignore." Wilson has since been forced to relocate, like so many other freshmen, to refugee camps on McKeldin Mall.

"The university has put its main defenses in Byrd Stadium and Stamp Student Union, hoping to block the cicadas from any further advancement," observed military and entomology expert General Dr. Sara Blanche. "This strategy could work in stopping the cicadas' attack, after which reinforcements from Salisbury and Frostburg should arrive to cut off supply lines."

The defense, dubbed Operation Bug Shield, seemed to be working at press time. The Radical Air Initiative Defense (RAID) was being used to deplete the cicadas' superior numbers, while giant fly swatters (OmniSwats) kept scout cicadas from crossing enemy lines. Despite the impending doom of a campus lost to insects, there were still a few students protesting the war.

“We can't attack these bugs—this is just a war for oil!" declared protester Danny Graham, holding a "Get U.S. out of Iraq the bugs' way" sign. When informed that the cicadas do not actually have any oil, he said that he was "trying to score with some hippie girls."

Student Still Lost in Ikea

Freshman Letters and Sciences major Jen Cooper was declared missing yesterday after she got completely lost in the College Park IKEA. “We saw her walking by the buffet from the outside,” said campus police Officer Al Wilson. “We can only hope that she can forge a path to the outside, possibly through an emergency exit.”

Cooper ventured into the IKEA in early September, a trip during which she was believed to have been looking for a new CD case. Sometime during the initial journey, Wilson hypothesized, she “must have become disoriented” and may have wandered off into the children’s department. Cooper’s disappearance is not unusual. Police officials have put the number of students lost to the discount furniture store at around 30.

“IKEA is a cancer on the campus, sucking out some of our best and brightest students,” University President C.D.++ Mote proclaimed. “However, that has helped correct our problem of overcrowded dorms.”

Experts point to the store’s vast size and maze-like layout as reasons for the high number of disappearances. Store executives have begun offering customers tracking devices and survival packs, though most customers have been unable to understand their instruction manuals.

“I hope she gets back soon — I haven’t heard from her since her cell phone battery ran out,” said Sara Scott, Cooper’s roommate. “Then again, she’s better off staying there — I get a room all to myself, and she gets to sleep in a different, sensibly-priced bed every night”.

When asked for comment, IKEA officials only provided a package of wooden dowels.

Giant Robot Destroys City, Falls in Love (by an Anime Character)

Whachaa! The robot cannot be stopped! He will enslave us all! We have no hope! How can we win against a creature with such immense size and stature and virility and smell?! Ahhhhhh!

Whachaa! The robot has a new foe! Katini uses airborne spin attack! She is deadly! And beautiful! She has distracted the robot with her quick wit and long legs! We have a victory chance!

Whachaa! Katini has not destroyed the robot! Now she has left to resume her double life as a student at Generic High School! Now the robot is sad! He is sitting down and he would be crying but he cannot cry because he is a robot silly! The robot feels pain malfunction for his metal heart broken! Whachaa! Katini must requite his love! She has his power! The city needs her and him and her! Now a cat is laughing at the robot! He is an angry! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Aazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Unknown element discovered in Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s hair

For decades, the contents of Duke men’s basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s hair have remained a mystery. But now, researchers at Duke's physiological department have made a momentous discovery: a new ele- ment.

“Discovering an entirely new element is like a Duke football win — it’s a very rare occurrence,” proclaimed project leader Dr. Michael Gibbons. “No new natural elements have been found in over a decade, so to discover one, on our own basketball coach, no less, is a boon to our so very, very tiny campus.”

The new element, given the provisional name Krzyzewskium, is believed to be what has prevented the longtime coach’s hair from graying, thinning or moving. Krzyzewski’s hair had previously been used as an industrial cleaner and a crude radio antenna. “We have always thought there was something remarkable about Coach K’s hair,” Gibbons explained. “The coach finally allowed us to perform tests on a sample of hair, but obtaining it was no easy task. We needed three industrial-grade blowtorches to remove it, and we had to transport it in an armored truck to prevent radiation contamination.”

Krzyzewski was elated to have been linked to such a groundbreaking scientific discovery. “Anything to help our great campus of Duke,” Krzyzewski explained. “God knows we need it. I mean, look at our arena. We had to name it an Indoor Stadium so the Carolina hicks would know what it is! Dear lord, I could’ve been coach of the New Jersey Nets, but instead I’m stuck here! Ahhhhh!”

It is unknown if the above outburst was a result of the combustibility of the hair, which has been shown to be unstable in several instances. Additionally, scientists have found that the new element could be used as a contaminant, causing the victim to “Bleed Duke Blue,” then die of blood poisoning. Fortunately, an antidote for Krzyzewskium has already been found in Gary Williams’ sweat.

Insult-a-Group: FBIS

I intended to write a poorly constructed Finance, Banking & Investment Society insult when I started, but now I must deliver to you a poorly-constructed warning: FBIS WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

I visited FBIS's Web site and noticed a startling fact: They use 7.5-point font! Am I the only one shocked by this? It's simply Phase 1 of their plan!

What's Phase 2? Please, do not read on if you are faint of heart or are pregnant, because the news will shock you. They archive their newsletter in WORD format. You heard me! WORD format! It is obvious what FBIS is trying to do: decrease our eyesight by having us read 7.5- point font, hurting our eyes so much we won't be able to tell what files from the Web site we are opening. Then, as we go to casually check out what's new in this week's newsletter, WHAM! We're hit with a virus that spreads through our computers like wildfire.

FBIS will then have control over all technology. We will revert to a world with no computers, palm pilots or iPods. It will be like we're living in the olden days of 1986. FBIS can then enslave us for their fiendish plots, whatever they may be.

So the next time you're walking through Van Munching Hall and see FBIS selling muffins in a bake sale, walk away. That muffin could be a muffin of ANARCHY!!!

Student buys Elkton Hall using Carlton Sheets' NO MONEY DOWN method

Two months ago, Peter Milton was an average college freshman struggling to succeed both in and out of the classroom. Peter's life consisted of going to class, going to work and masturbating to pictures of the Maryland volleyball team. He seemed to be heading nowhere fast.

But last year Peter saw an infomercial for Carlton Sheets' patented "NO MONEY DOWN" real estate investment course. Peter decided that it was time to become financially independent and made the call.

"When I saw the ad on TV, I thought, 'Oh sure, they can succeed, but what chance do I have?' But when I saw there was an opportunity for a $9.95 free trial, I took the money out of my roommate's pants and called right away."

Peter's personal copy of NO MONEY DOWN arrived at campus mail services three days later. He received it in his mailbox the next month. Peter immediately knew what he had to do: get drunk on cheap beer and make fun of Gemstone students. After that, he knew what he also had to do: put Carlton Sheets' plan into action. "I found it was surprising easy to follow Carlton's instructions," Peter said. "In fact, I'd wager that a mildly retarded orangutan could follow them! Well, maybe not, but you get the idea."

Just months later, Peter made his first purchase: the Aviary building (that little house with all the bees). Using the patented NO MONEY DOWN plan, Peter bought the Aviary from the school for next to nothing, then sold it to a group of skin-irritation fetishists for THOUSANDS.

Peter continued to acquire properties - Classroom Building, Cole Field House, and that trailer in front of the Health Center. He used that cash flow to make his biggest purchase yet: Elkton Hall.

"If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be standing in front of you, owner of over a dozen campus buildings, I'd have punched you in the groin," Peter said. "Now, however, I can believe that ANY student can do it - but not here, I don't need competition. Here it only works for me."

Peter shared his success story with oth- ers on Carlton Sheets' latest infomercials. "I went from masturbating to pictures of volleyball players to masturbating ON volleyball players. And with Carlton Sheets' NO MONEY DOWN plan, I'll be able to make bail!"

Insult-a-Group: Erasable Inc.

First off, I should let you all know that I was rejected from Erasable Inc. last year. I’d like to think that it was because I was a headstrong rebel who played by his own rules, but it probably had more to do with my tanking at the auditions. Thankfully, I got over it, and now live an Erasable Inc.-free life. Granted, I enjoy yelling at a group of 4 or 5 supporters on the steps of McKeldin Library as much as the next guy, but I decided it would be best if I made like a tree and went.

However, today I will do a special tribute to the men and women with the overly loud voices. Using a random word generator, I will describe Erasable Inc. in the mad-libs format they so lovingly adapt for improv: “Erasable Inc. is one of the most popular REVOLVERS on campus. They are known for their POISON, SMOKE, and TYPE-WRITER, as well as their famous ARK. Some people think that Erasable Inc. can only make PLANKTON. In actuality, their GENERATOR is first-rate, and deserves all the SPACECRAFT in the world. The mem- bers of Erasable Inc. can often be seen with the latest VACCINE, ready to meet the ANT at any MATCH. If I could give Erasable Inc. anything in the TOASTER, it would have to be my NAIL. Thank you, Erasable Inc. You truly PHOTOGRAPH us all.”

Bathroom Review--(New) Student Union

All the news about the student union’s renovations has been about Chick-Fil-A, the Jim Henson statue and asbestos-mania.

But new bathrooms have been added as well, replacing the famous super-bathroom near the old McDonalds. Do the new ones stand up to their historic forefathers? Yes, but not without a few noticeable problems.

The new bathrooms aren’t as big as the old ones, but are a heck of a lot nicer-looking. Emphasis is placed on the colors gray and black, which contrasts well with the porcelain fixtures. The only problem with this color scheme is the inclusion of dark and powder blue. Putting the colors of UNC and Duke anywhere on this campus is pretty suspect, and it may encourage people to

just pee on the floors. Walking down the hallway, there is no way to know that the proper place to empty your bladder or bowels is just around the corner. The only advertisement for bathrooms is a small, thin sign right next to the door.

The new union bathrooms followed in the footsteps of their quite-famous predecessors. While they can’t equal the history (using the same urinal that Boomer Esiason did!) they make up for it with style and looks. If only I could find them quicker.

Rating: 3 out of 4 flushes

Directions: Enter using the far left entrance. Go down the stairs and towards the new Chevy Chase ATMs. The bathroom is just past there.

Follow Your Money (...as its thrown away)

As all of you non-athletes know, tuition increased a whopping 21 percent this year, much more than the not-so whopping 15 percent that had been expected.

Where did all that money go? This list was intercepted from C.D. Mote’s email account:

• $7,000 to make the Armory classrooms look even more depressing

• $40,000 for updated anti-riot campaign, "Act Like You Know We're Champions, even though we're 0-2"

• $3,000 for truck-resistant official seals in front of the school

• $195.95 taken by state to rotate and balance Governor Ehrlich’s hair

• $300,000 to change signs at the "Pepsi Presents Chevy Chase Court at the Comcast Center on Chipotle Hill"

• $500 to pay Diamondback columnists for articles on the Dining Hall, their "life-changing experience" over the summer, and how there are too many articles on Instant Messenger

• $3 to speed up construction

• $650,000 to erase memories of the ZOOM advertising campaign • $2,750 to rename Midnight Madness "Narcolepsy Influenced Emotional Actions"

• $5,000 for increased hippie-repellent defense system

Campus Bookstore Marred by Separation

Recent visitors to the student union have sadly discovered that the University Book Center’s Team Store has split from the Textbook Division onto different floors. The separation follows months of animosity between the two retail entities.

“I’d come in some mornings and find books strewn all over the place.” said UBC assistant manager Chris Barber, who, like most employees, was shaken up by the split. “The team store really had a strong personality, but man, we never expected it to just move out like that.”

The two divisions united in economic bliss some three decades ago, but the relationship has been strained for some time. Rumors of extra-retail affairs by the team store have been rampant, while the textbook division was busy fighting the Maryland Book Exchange in its professional life. Many observers believe that this left precious little time for the team store, and it consequently went looking for corporate synergy elsewhere.

For months, friends of the two businesses believed that they were staying together “for the sake of the students,” but were no longer doing inventory together. In August, the textbook division went on a well-publicized night on the town with the University Health Center (described by the textbook division as “an old friend”), which may have pushed the team store over the edge.

McDonalds, which is currently lending the space of its former eating area to the team store, issued the following statement: “Me and the team store have been friends for some time, and I had just recently gone through a nasty breakup with my live-in companion, Taco Bell Express.” For now, McDonalds and the team store are keeping their relationship on a purely platonic level.

While some students are holding out hope for a quick reconciliation, student union insiders suspect that the mar- riage is too far gone for any such reunion.

“Now that team store has moved out, textbook division seems to have moved on,” said gossip magazine P.G. County Business Ledger. “The textbook division has already been seen hanging around with a mobile class ring display, and doesn’t appear to be looking back.”

Mother's Day Tips

With Mother's Day fast approaching (yes, it is!), people will be frantically rushing to buy gifts with whatever money they have left-over after 57 Chipotle burritos. Here's what to buy (and what NOT to buy).

• Show mom your thriftiness by spending the rest of your dining hall points on "Mother's Day Cheesesteaks."

• If you buy all your gifts early, make sure to mark them clearly. You don't want your mom walk- ing around in a "#1 Dad" shirt.

• Tis better to give a $29.99 sweatshirt then six $5 left-over Orange Bowl T-shirts.

• Your mom won't believe your protests that Mother's Day is just another Hallmark holiday designed to steal our money if you bring it up on May 11th. Start bitching in advance.

• You can only give mugs for so many years in a row. • No one will believe your "I was too busy deciding who to vote for in the SGA elections" excuse.

• There's no need to make a big deal about spending a lot on a gift, unless there are women around. In that case, talk aloud about how more people need to appreciate

the women of the world, and how you wish the world could be as sensitive as you are. This will give you the appearance of sincerity!

• Gifts for mom: Good. Gifts for grandma: Good. Gifts for your roommate's mom: A little creepy.

• Please, please PLEASE don't write your mom a song, then put it out on an album (applies to Michael Bolton only).

• At one time e-cards, or greeting cards as they were known, came in "paper" form. Maybe you could get one of those from an antique store to show you care.

• Always remember: When in doubt, always give left-over Easter candy.

Bathroom Review--Skinner Hall

When people hear the word "Skinner," they think of three things: a major supporting character on the Simpsons, a major supporting character on the X-Files, and a major supporting campus building at the University of Maryland. Unfortunately, the bathroom, like its namesakes, fails to rise to the occasion.

Located behind McKeldin Mall, Skinner Hall literally lives in the shadow of such famous buildings as Tydings, Key, and McKeldin Library, all of which have good histories and great bathrooms. It may be for this reason that Skinner is given short shrift.

Skinner's bathroom is nothing special, nothing terrible. It comes with the typical depressing fluorescent lighting, run-of-the-mill tile floor, and utilitarian sinks. You won't be overwhelmed by this john, much like Tesh.

This bathroom's biggest virtue is its location: right at the exit of the Skinner 0200 Lecture Hall, site of every final exam on campus, not counting the ones held elsewhere. The bathroom is frequented by the nervous many who need to splash water on their faces, and the confident few who pee on their shoes.

Skinner Hall does not have a memorable bathroom, but then again, is that so wrong?

Rating: 1 1/2 flushes out of 4.

Directions: Enter at the side facing the Chapel, walking downstairs into the building. Make a left. The bathroom's on the right.

Bathroom Review--Annapolis Hall

Annapolis Hall is old. Really old. Older than McKeldin, older than hippies, even older than the flatware in the dining halls. The bathroom, however, is quite possibly the best on campus.

The bathroom in Annapolis Hall is quite spacious. There's a natural flow from the front door to the back stall, inviting in the user with warmth and aplomb. Students, faculty, and even people who like to use the word "aplomb" will have no trouble with dirty toilets; they are kept nearly spotless, as are the floors. You could eat off them, though that'd be kind of weird and there are no forks.

In addition, the Annapolis Hall toilets have a mighty power, flushing with authority. The sinks feature working faucets (a rarity on campus) and the bathroom's only downside is the regular lack of soap.

I could drone on for two more paragraphs, but I'll keep it at one. Annapolis Hall is, possibly, the greatest on-campus bathroom at the University of Maryland. Use it; you will be disappointed, but not much so.

Rating: 4 flushes out of 4.

Directions: Enter at the gate next to Maryland Book Exchange. Park in front of Annapolis Hall. Get ticketed. Park someplace else, then walk up the stairs and it's on your left.

Meet James Gandolfini

Did you know that James Gandolfini:

• can eat his own weight in papayas?

• never tried out for 10th grade chorus, DESPITE being on the show "The Sopranos"?

• was officially declared famous on April 17, 2000?

• would weigh about 46 lbs. on the moon?

• has never visited Guam?

• was secretly disappointed that he didn't make People Magazine's "Best Dressed List" in 2002?

• built the entire New Jersey Turnpike with his bare hands?

• likes to laugh, drink water, and breathe?

• has no favorite Civil War General?

• refused to participate in this interview?

NEXT WEEK: Football legend and "Naked Gun" star O.J. Simpson!

University Out of Business; Campus Repossessed by Creditors

After years of budget mismanagement and funding cutbacks, the University of Maryland finally reached the end yesterday, closing its doors after almost 150 years of service.

"This is truly a sad day for our school," a visibly shaken ex- President Mote said. "I guess there's no room for ZOOM! in today's fast-paced world."

Creditors have swooped in to reclaim what they can. Comcast has repossessed the Comcast Center and plans to use it as a holding area for unused mass-mailing flyers. William P. Cole

woke from the dead to reclaim his Field House, using it as a staging area for zombie attacks.

Students have been sold off to numerous other schools, including the University of Delaware, DeVry Institute, and Wilson Hill High School. Testudo could not be reached for comment, though he is a favorite to become the mascot of J.C. Penney's new "Scotts Bay" line of turtleneck sweaters. The university's financial problems began in the late 90's when campus executives tried a bold new expansion plan to remain competitive in the global market.

"Admitting more students seemed like a great idea at the time," Mote said. "How was I to know they'd also need housing? I DIDN'T KNOW!"

The university also took a hit in late 2001 when it revealed that it had invested the school's entire savings in stocks, including Enron, WorldCom, Global Crossing and HotMoteXXX.com. Mismanaged spending also took its toll.

"In hindsight, our $3 billion Y2K compliance plan was probably a little much," Mote said. "We just wanted to be really, really, REALLY sure that we could still run our dining hall computers the next day, even though the campus was closed January 1."

In October 2002, the university filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and then hoped for a merger with a more successful school. A combination with the University of Oregon appeared to be a done deal, but the Oregon pulled out at the last minute after refusing to cross-breed a duck with a terrapin.

Bathroom Review--Marie Mount Hall

(By Marie Mount, As Told to Mike Mackler)

Welcome to my humble commode! I, Marie Mount, have been stuck in this building for over 70 years--like the movie Beetlejuice, only without Geena Davis. When I'm not haunting the halls, I like to relax in my very own bathroom.

You'll find that my wash closets come with a distinctive striped floor design, done entirely in tile. This gives the effect that you are being transported to a different time, when men were men and toilets weren't automatic. In addition, I've added a jaunty orange door to the main toilet--I am, after all, a spring color.

I've seen lots of famous people use my toilets over the years, and I'd like to think that it is my cleanliness that brings 'em back for more. Every night, around 2 a.m., I carefully scrub the tile, porcelain, and metal with a fine brush, handed down from my ancestors. It's a tough job, but don't thank me! Seriously, if you see my spirit, I'll have to banish you to the nether regions where you'll spend the rest of your existence in an immortal limbo.

So come to my bathroom! Thrills, spills, and chills (on cold mornings) await you!

Rating (by an impartial observer): 2 1/2 flushes

Directions: Walk in the entrance facing the Chapel, then walk down two flights of stairs, getting completely lost in the process.

Bathroom Review--Comcast Center

Upon first glance, you may find yourself underwhelmed by the bathrooms of the sparkling new Comcast Center. Where's the pizzazz? Where's the charm? Where are the open windows with views of the tennis courts? However, these are the special types of bathrooms only the true toilet connoisseur can appreciate--all business, nothing fancy.

The Comcast Center has been built with "potty parity." That is, there are twice as many bathrooms for women as there are for men. This takes care of the long lines of ladies on the con- courses, but it makes it more difficult for men to find a bathroom.

Once you enter the bathroom, you'll be surprised by just how basic it is. No carpeting, no servants, no Comcast urinal cakes. Just a row of toilets waiting to be used. Thankfully, the sinks offer both cold AND hot water, which

might not seem like much, but is a big improvement over Cole's bare bones design. The Comcast bathrooms are surprisingly small. While this does leave time to get to know your fellow fan, you're most likely going to just stare off into the tile design on the wall.

When you think about it, and you should, these bathrooms have a tough job--servicing 18,000+ fans 18 times a year, asking nothing in return. They'll always be compared to their super- sized predecessors at Cole, and have even more fans to deal with. These treasured toilets do the job and for that we should be grateful.

Rating: 3 out of 4 flushes

Directions: Get a ticket. Go to a game. Chug a soda when your throat gets tired of yelling. Go to any of the bathrooms on the concourse.

Insult-a-Group: EAM

Very little is known about the Economics Association of Maryland. I guess that they exist to associate eco- nomics. Those must be some wild meetings--associating supply, associating demand, and what not. They must have a grand time.

Maybe EAM needs a better group name and acronym. How about the Economics Experience Gratitude Association of Helpers (EEGAH), although this might cause confusion with a movie of the same name star- ring Arch Hall, Jr. Maybe they could be the Economics Ingenuity Explorers Initiative Organization (EIEIO) for that down home country feel. Or how about having no name at all? Imagine it now: "What group are you in?" "We're so cool, we don't even have a name!" Think how snazzy that would be.

I think I've seen EAM once before, handing out free candy so people would take info on their group. Why do campus groups hand out candy? Aren't we never supposed to take candy from strangers? Has that rule been repealed? Instead, they should have babies hand out the candy, since I've heard that taking candy from a baby is quite easy.

Student liked it better when he was the only Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan on campus

Junior DIS major Will Campbell admitted to a reporter yesterday that he felt a lot better when he thought he was the only Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3k) fan on campus.

"My first two and a half years here, it just kind of set me apart," Campbell said. "People would know me as 'the MST3k guy' or 'the bot dude.' Now who am I?"

The show, about a man trapped in space with robots who are forced to watch bad movies, has inspired a cult following around the world. Its fans, known as MSTies, are rabid in their support of the 90's show.

"I first got into it in high school, and fell in love right away," Campbell continued. "I have about 4 dozen shows on tape, and I try to get up to watch the 9 a.m. shows on Sci-Fi. I even started a petition when it was canceled from Comedy Central."

Campbell's life came crashing down on February 24 when he walked into his telecommunications class, only to see a fellow student with a classic Tom Servo "I'm Huge!" shirt on. At first, Campbell chalked it up to a coincidence.

"Then, about a week later, he came in wearing a 10th Anniversary shirt, the kind you could only get at the second convention. That's how I knew he was a true fan. Since then, I haven't quite known what to do."

Campbell's friends have noticed a change in his behavior. "He used to always be saying things like, 'Hi-Keeba!' and 'Mitchell!' and talking about the joys of watching bad movies," roommate Jason Simmons explained. "Now he just keeps to himself, even more than usual. Quite frankly, it's a hell of an improvement."

Campbell has been too distraught to talk about his fandom with the other MST3k fan, fearing that he will be blown away by his classmate's devotion. "If he knows way more than I do, if he owns twice as many tapes as me, well, I just don't think I'll be able to handle that. I'm in a fragile emotional state right now, and I just don't want to get hurt anymore."

Woman in faux-retro shirt mocks woman in actually old shirt

In a conflict of fashion and function, sophomore Jen Andersen rudely mocked fellow sophomore Sara Handler behind her back for her lack of fashion sense, despite their striking similarities in appearance.

"God, look at her!" Andersen remarked to a friend nearby, "Can you believe that shirt? It looks like it’s about three years old!"

Andersen made the alleged comments while wearing a "Farm Queen 1978: Judge's Favorite" T-shirt purchased at an Abercrombie and Fitch store for $24.99. The garment had been made to look worn out and old, with the printing on the shirt intentionally "faded out." Her ensemble was completed with a "blown out" (intentionally torn) visor from the Gap ($21.99) and a pair of factory worn-in jeans of indeterminate value.

Andersen's friends, who were dressed in a similar manner, were also quick to point out Handler's perceived fashion flaws, concentrating on her "4-H Club of Northern Baltimore County" T-shirt, which was acquired during a period of volunteer work with the 4-H Club of Northern Baltimore County.

"Geez, she looks like a total hick!" Andersen continued. "She probably bought her pants at Wal-Mart!" The pants in question had actually been worn several times before by Handler, giving them their "worn-in" appearance. Handler's clothing was topped off with a baseball cap, worn down from usage, which Andersen described as "in need of a replacement." The unintentionally poorly dressed Handler then walked away, apparently unaware of the Mr. Blackwell-like verbal trashing she had received from the intentionally poorly dressed Andersen.

Andersen then left the dining hall, mentioning that she had to buy a pair of sandals that looked "new-retro."

Michael Jordan announces comeback with intramural squad

In a move that has somewhat shocked the sports world, basketball legend Michael “Wizards? Who the hell are they?” Jordan has announced that he will be making another comeback to the world of basketball.

“I feel that there is still some work that needs to be done,” an emotional Jordan announced in a press conference at his Chicago restaurant. “Additionally, the thought of retiring a Washington Wizard was just too damn depressing.”

Despite overtures from the Los Angeles Lakers, Jordan has made his comeback with the Denton Destroyers, a University of Maryland intramural squad playing in the Armory 5-on-5 league. The deal for Jordan’s return was made after the squad promised Jordan a say in front-office decisions.

“What I’m really looking for is partial ownership, but having a general manager position is a great way to get my feet wet,” Jordan explained.

“I’ve tried to put my stamp on the team as quickly as possible--for instance, I made the decision to use Franklin Gothic font for our jersey numbers, and I decided that we should have our practices at 6 p.m., not 7 p.m. Deciding things is fun.”

The move will also benefit the Destroyers club on many fronts, both on and off the court. “I’ve been able to help the team’s bottom line,” Jordan gleefully proclaimed. “Before I got here, their only sponsor was a couple of coupons from Cluck-U. Now, we have sponsorship from Nike, Rayovac, Ball Park Franks, Gatorade, Sprint PCS, Chipotle, and Screw Magazine.”

The team is elated with the acquisition of Jordan, but remains wary as to how long he’ll remain on the Destroyers’ squad.

“The other day, I heard him talking to his agent about becoming coach of the Orlando Magic, and later on he was talking to a LaRouche supporter about ‘joining the movement’,” said Will Scotman, the team’s founder, co-captain, treasurer, and Jordan’s manservant. “As long as he stays with us through the round-robin tournament, and doesn’t get hurt playing club hockey, we’ll be OK.”

Bathroom Review--South Campus Dining Hall

The South Campus Dining Hall’s bathroom is, not surprisingly, heavily used. Unfortunately it doesn’t stand up to the challenge.

The bathroom has a bizarre setup that only allows for one toilet stall, which is placed longways along the wall. This gives the appearance of the stall being a sidecar on the motorcycle that is this bathroom. Usually the floor is covered in a menagerie of water and old Diamondbacks, allowing you to watch Glory Daze dissolve into a column on President Mote while you defecate.

The urinals are nothing special-- lined up against the wall, worn from

years of use, the usual. They do provide an excellent view of the South Campus Commons construction, though, so you can watch Capstone in action!

If you have to use the bathroom, and I know you will after a three- minute lunch, go to someplace better like Commons 1 or Tallifero. Use the Dining Hall Bathroom on an emergency-only basis.

Rating: 1 1/2 out of 4 flushes

Directions: Walk into the South Campus Dining Hall, make a right and walk up the stairs. The bath- room’s at the top of the stairs on the right.

Teams the Terps won’t lose to in football

Fragile U

North East Raleigh Durham State (N.E.R.D.S.)

Maryland School for the Blind

Special Olympics All-Stars

Easy Eddie's School of Higher Learning and Body Shop

Gary Coleman's School for Little People

Oakville Elementary School Mighty Mites

Southeastern Northwestern

Lady Flemworthy's Charm School

Golden Years Seniors College

S&MU

Cincinnati Bengals

Duke

Bathroom Review--Cole Field House

As the basketball team moves into the Comcast Center, we would be remiss if we did not pay tribute to Cole Field House--home of one of the greatest sets of bathrooms on campus. Now in service for orientations, peace lectures, and large- scale comedy tours, Cole was once home to crowds of over 14,500 people for championship basketball. A lesser bathroom might have crumbled--Cole rose to the occasion.

The bathrooms in Cole are designed with utility in mind. Nothing fancy in there--it gives only what you need. A row of about a dozen stalls service the every need of students

who've just had an arena hot dog, providing ample room and clean services. The urinals are arranged in the middle of the room, with each row attached to a low- rise tile wall. This creates the somewhat awkward situ- ation of staring at a powerful alumni while you relieve yourself, and since no urinal etiquette exists (to my knowledge), you should deal with this at your own discre- tion.

After completing the task at hand, one proceeds into the next room to clean up. This is a feature sorely missing from modern day bathrooms--the separate washroom that gives it that special "hotel lobby bath- room" feeling. Unfortunately, only cold water is available, and the always-open win- dows provide a strange view of the tennis courts. Finally, one can stare at the fun- house mirror (which gives the appearance of blurry drunkenness) before return- ing to the concourse.

No doubt, Cole Field house holds a special place in all our hearts. But only its bathroom holds a special place in our colons.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 4 flushes

Directions: Go past the Union to Cole Field House, entering at the main entrance. Go to the left, then hang a right around the con- cession stands. The bath- room mentioned is on your left. Watch out for joggers.

New Residence Halls Built Out of Free T-Shirts

Fulfilling a growing need for on-campus student housing, Resident Life officials announced yesterday that a new residence hall will be constructed completely out of free T-shirts for next semester.

"We really see this as a step forward for us, our students, and the waste disposal industry," Resident Life deputy director Mark Hamilton said. "We were looking for a way to rid ourselves of some Maryland Day apparel from 1998, and thankfully we came up with this idea. Otherwise, we might have had to donate them."

The growing need for on-campus housing had been held back by the high costs of traditional housing. The current budget allows little for construction, with funds going to such projects as

Act Like You Know, Zoom, and Mote-yland ad campaigns. However, the new building will have a maximum cost of about $70, with cost overruns of $2-4 if XXL shirts are used.

The eight-story high-rise will be located on North Hill in the scenic Prienkert Field House District. Many have suggested naming it after a prominent Maryland graduate; current con- tenders for the dorm’s name are Connie Chung Hall and Boomer Esiason Hall.

Fears of the unstable nature of T-shirt architecture were put to rest with the revelation of similar tactics used on other campuses. The University of Washington recently built an entire community out of used L.A. Gear Sneakers, while more than half of the buildings at the University of Miami were built out of overstock Zubaz pants.

Features of the Comcast Center

• Sweat-absorbing floor

• 57-sided scoreboard

• Ladders, chairs, and metal buckets for Globetrotter games/WWE events

• Throne for Mote

• Great sightlines for all 50 women's basketball fans

• Built with easy access to Chesapeake Hall AND the softball field!

• Food ranges from bad to not-too-bad

• PIP during games

• Will surely help region's bid for the 2012 Olympics