Saturday, February 18, 2012

Michael Jordan announces comeback with intramural squad

In a move that has somewhat shocked the sports world, basketball legend Michael “Wizards? Who the hell are they?” Jordan has announced that he will be making another comeback to the world of basketball.

“I feel that there is still some work that needs to be done,” an emotional Jordan announced in a press conference at his Chicago restaurant. “Additionally, the thought of retiring a Washington Wizard was just too damn depressing.”

Despite overtures from the Los Angeles Lakers, Jordan has made his comeback with the Denton Destroyers, a University of Maryland intramural squad playing in the Armory 5-on-5 league. The deal for Jordan’s return was made after the squad promised Jordan a say in front-office decisions.

“What I’m really looking for is partial ownership, but having a general manager position is a great way to get my feet wet,” Jordan explained.

“I’ve tried to put my stamp on the team as quickly as possible--for instance, I made the decision to use Franklin Gothic font for our jersey numbers, and I decided that we should have our practices at 6 p.m., not 7 p.m. Deciding things is fun.”

The move will also benefit the Destroyers club on many fronts, both on and off the court. “I’ve been able to help the team’s bottom line,” Jordan gleefully proclaimed. “Before I got here, their only sponsor was a couple of coupons from Cluck-U. Now, we have sponsorship from Nike, Rayovac, Ball Park Franks, Gatorade, Sprint PCS, Chipotle, and Screw Magazine.”

The team is elated with the acquisition of Jordan, but remains wary as to how long he’ll remain on the Destroyers’ squad.

“The other day, I heard him talking to his agent about becoming coach of the Orlando Magic, and later on he was talking to a LaRouche supporter about ‘joining the movement’,” said Will Scotman, the team’s founder, co-captain, treasurer, and Jordan’s manservant. “As long as he stays with us through the round-robin tournament, and doesn’t get hurt playing club hockey, we’ll be OK.”

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