Cicadas Take North Campus

The human population of the University of Maryland was dealt a hard blow yesterday, as invading cicadas firmly entrenched themselves in North Campus.

"We believe that North Campus fell between 2 and 3 a.m.," a visibly shaken General C. D. Mote announced in his daily briefing. "Tactical errors, such as a lack of citronella candles and the deaths of freaks who like to eat these things have really set us back."

It's been eight days since the cicadas began their attack on the university. Originally seen as a mere insurgent group, the cicadas made the campus take notice when they swarmed Easton Hall. The university proclaimed Easton Hall to be an "acceptable loss," but began counter- attacks once the cicadas moved in on the CRC.

Former Elkton Hall resident Scott Wilson described the situation as "hell on earth. They're just too little for us to fight, but too annoying for us to ignore." Wilson has since been forced to relocate, like so many other freshmen, to refugee camps on McKeldin Mall.

"The university has put its main defenses in Byrd Stadium and Stamp Student Union, hoping to block the cicadas from any further advancement," observed military and entomology expert General Dr. Sara Blanche. "This strategy could work in stopping the cicadas' attack, after which reinforcements from Salisbury and Frostburg should arrive to cut off supply lines."

The defense, dubbed Operation Bug Shield, seemed to be working at press time. The Radical Air Initiative Defense (RAID) was being used to deplete the cicadas' superior numbers, while giant fly swatters (OmniSwats) kept scout cicadas from crossing enemy lines. Despite the impending doom of a campus lost to insects, there were still a few students protesting the war.

“We can't attack these bugs—this is just a war for oil!" declared protester Danny Graham, holding a "Get U.S. out of Iraq the bugs' way" sign. When informed that the cicadas do not actually have any oil, he said that he was "trying to score with some hippie girls."