Saturday, February 18, 2012

Kraus resigns in sex scandal with Conochan, ‘Terrified’ Su assumes presidency

Just weeks after winning the SGA Presidency, Action Party Czar Aaron Kraus reluctantly resigned his position after it was revealed that he had been involved in a steamy love tryst with ROC party opponent Kelaine Conochan.

"It is with great regret and remorse that I resign from my position as SGA President, effective immediately," Kraus announced at a press conference attended by this reporter and a few passerbys. "While I have dedicated hour upon hour to winning this election, I just feel that this campus needs me to go away so this scandal can go with me."

News of the scandal broke several days ago, when Kraus and Conochan were spotted making out near the SGA offices by an unidentified pervert. Since then, details of the relationship have leaked out to the media, inspiring a number of responses.

"The President cannot have an extramarital affair!" proclaimed a Diamondback editorial. In response to charges that Kraus in fact is not married, the Diamondback softened their response somewhat, writing that, “while Kraus may not be married, his affair with Conochan is still unacceptable. You can't just start necking with some girl or guy you hate— this isn't 'Cheers'"

With Kraus’s sudden resignation, the election would normally go to the runner-up, Kelaine Conochan. However, due to her involvement in the scandal, Conochan has taken the semester off to host the new reality series "Average SGA Candidate" on Fox. That left the third place candidate, Sing Su of the Underdog Party, as the new president.

"" were Su's first words to the student body. "I, uh, never thought I'd, uh, win this...thing...there's so many peo- ple...watching GOD NO WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!" Su, the first freshman to be elected SGA President, then fell into the fetal position, mumbling "My baby! My baby! 1600!"

When asked for comment, 4th place finisher Andy LoPresto responded "Don't ask me shit, dog."

Insult-a-Group: FLA

What is the Future Leaders Association? Well, they don’t have a Web site, that’s for sure. And they don’t have any advertisements around campus, either. So who are they? Let’s break it down.

FUTURE: This shows they probably deal with what’s to come in this world. How do they do it? Most likely they have access to some sort of time machine. How and why are unknown, but they must have one. Why else would they have “future” in their name?

LEADERS: A group made up of nothing but leaders? Doesn’t this cause some problems during meeting time? I mean, how do they decide who the leader of the leaders is? Rumble? Drawing straws? Gauntlet fight? Hell if I know.

ASSOCIATION: Damn you! Why does every group put association at the end of their name? I mean, we KNOW you associate! That’s the point of a group, jackass. Just call yourself Future Leaders and we’ll GET THE FREAKING POINT. Jeez, what’s WRONG with these people?

Bathroom Review--Byrd Stadium

Located around the seating bowl, the pooping bowls of Byrd Stadium are pretty much par for the course. It's the urinals—or lack thereof—that set Byrd apart.

Byrd Stadium is one of the few facilities left utilizing the trough. This rarity uses a long metal basin (hence the name) with a constant trickle of water to sweep away the pee. This allows for maximum usage during halftime, when people would much rather use the restroom than watch the university band's "tribute to foam".

Byrd's bathrooms on the whole, however, are pretty sparse. Besides the necessities-troughs, toilets, and the large sinks-there's not much else there. This play decision makes sense for the venue, but a little more room wouldn't necessitate standing within 2 inches of a class of '40 alumnus.

Byrd Stadium's bathrooms aren't spectacular, but why should they be? They do the job, and do it well.

Rating: 3 flushes (2 for the setup, plus 1 for the troughs)

Directions: Look for the big building with the field in the middle of it, idiot.

Cicadas Take North Campus

The human population of the University of Maryland was dealt a hard blow yesterday, as invading cicadas firmly entrenched themselves in North Campus.

"We believe that North Campus fell between 2 and 3 a.m.," a visibly shaken General C. D. Mote announced in his daily briefing. "Tactical errors, such as a lack of citronella candles and the deaths of freaks who like to eat these things have really set us back."

It's been eight days since the cicadas began their attack on the university. Originally seen as a mere insurgent group, the cicadas made the campus take notice when they swarmed Easton Hall. The university proclaimed Easton Hall to be an "acceptable loss," but began counter- attacks once the cicadas moved in on the CRC.

Former Elkton Hall resident Scott Wilson described the situation as "hell on earth. They're just too little for us to fight, but too annoying for us to ignore." Wilson has since been forced to relocate, like so many other freshmen, to refugee camps on McKeldin Mall.

"The university has put its main defenses in Byrd Stadium and Stamp Student Union, hoping to block the cicadas from any further advancement," observed military and entomology expert General Dr. Sara Blanche. "This strategy could work in stopping the cicadas' attack, after which reinforcements from Salisbury and Frostburg should arrive to cut off supply lines."

The defense, dubbed Operation Bug Shield, seemed to be working at press time. The Radical Air Initiative Defense (RAID) was being used to deplete the cicadas' superior numbers, while giant fly swatters (OmniSwats) kept scout cicadas from crossing enemy lines. Despite the impending doom of a campus lost to insects, there were still a few students protesting the war.

“We can't attack these bugs—this is just a war for oil!" declared protester Danny Graham, holding a "Get U.S. out of Iraq the bugs' way" sign. When informed that the cicadas do not actually have any oil, he said that he was "trying to score with some hippie girls."

Student Still Lost in Ikea

Freshman Letters and Sciences major Jen Cooper was declared missing yesterday after she got completely lost in the College Park IKEA. “We saw her walking by the buffet from the outside,” said campus police Officer Al Wilson. “We can only hope that she can forge a path to the outside, possibly through an emergency exit.”

Cooper ventured into the IKEA in early September, a trip during which she was believed to have been looking for a new CD case. Sometime during the initial journey, Wilson hypothesized, she “must have become disoriented” and may have wandered off into the children’s department. Cooper’s disappearance is not unusual. Police officials have put the number of students lost to the discount furniture store at around 30.

“IKEA is a cancer on the campus, sucking out some of our best and brightest students,” University President C.D.++ Mote proclaimed. “However, that has helped correct our problem of overcrowded dorms.”

Experts point to the store’s vast size and maze-like layout as reasons for the high number of disappearances. Store executives have begun offering customers tracking devices and survival packs, though most customers have been unable to understand their instruction manuals.

“I hope she gets back soon — I haven’t heard from her since her cell phone battery ran out,” said Sara Scott, Cooper’s roommate. “Then again, she’s better off staying there — I get a room all to myself, and she gets to sleep in a different, sensibly-priced bed every night”.

When asked for comment, IKEA officials only provided a package of wooden dowels.

Giant Robot Destroys City, Falls in Love (by an Anime Character)

Whachaa! The robot cannot be stopped! He will enslave us all! We have no hope! How can we win against a creature with such immense size and stature and virility and smell?! Ahhhhhh!

Whachaa! The robot has a new foe! Katini uses airborne spin attack! She is deadly! And beautiful! She has distracted the robot with her quick wit and long legs! We have a victory chance!

Whachaa! Katini has not destroyed the robot! Now she has left to resume her double life as a student at Generic High School! Now the robot is sad! He is sitting down and he would be crying but he cannot cry because he is a robot silly! The robot feels pain malfunction for his metal heart broken! Whachaa! Katini must requite his love! She has his power! The city needs her and him and her! Now a cat is laughing at the robot! He is an angry! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Aazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Unknown element discovered in Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s hair

For decades, the contents of Duke men’s basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s hair have remained a mystery. But now, researchers at Duke's physiological department have made a momentous discovery: a new ele- ment.

“Discovering an entirely new element is like a Duke football win — it’s a very rare occurrence,” proclaimed project leader Dr. Michael Gibbons. “No new natural elements have been found in over a decade, so to discover one, on our own basketball coach, no less, is a boon to our so very, very tiny campus.”

The new element, given the provisional name Krzyzewskium, is believed to be what has prevented the longtime coach’s hair from graying, thinning or moving. Krzyzewski’s hair had previously been used as an industrial cleaner and a crude radio antenna. “We have always thought there was something remarkable about Coach K’s hair,” Gibbons explained. “The coach finally allowed us to perform tests on a sample of hair, but obtaining it was no easy task. We needed three industrial-grade blowtorches to remove it, and we had to transport it in an armored truck to prevent radiation contamination.”

Krzyzewski was elated to have been linked to such a groundbreaking scientific discovery. “Anything to help our great campus of Duke,” Krzyzewski explained. “God knows we need it. I mean, look at our arena. We had to name it an Indoor Stadium so the Carolina hicks would know what it is! Dear lord, I could’ve been coach of the New Jersey Nets, but instead I’m stuck here! Ahhhhh!”

It is unknown if the above outburst was a result of the combustibility of the hair, which has been shown to be unstable in several instances. Additionally, scientists have found that the new element could be used as a contaminant, causing the victim to “Bleed Duke Blue,” then die of blood poisoning. Fortunately, an antidote for Krzyzewskium has already been found in Gary Williams’ sweat.