For decades, the contents of Duke men’s basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s hair have remained a mystery. But now, researchers at Duke's physiological department have made a momentous discovery: a new ele- ment.
“Discovering an entirely new element is like a Duke football win — it’s a very rare occurrence,” proclaimed project leader Dr. Michael Gibbons. “No new natural elements have been found in over a decade, so to discover one, on our own basketball coach, no less, is a boon to our so very, very tiny campus.”
The new element, given the provisional name Krzyzewskium, is believed to be what has prevented the longtime coach’s hair from graying, thinning or moving. Krzyzewski’s hair had previously been used as an industrial cleaner and a crude radio antenna. “We have always thought there was something remarkable about Coach K’s hair,” Gibbons explained. “The coach finally allowed us to perform tests on a sample of hair, but obtaining it was no easy task. We needed three industrial-grade blowtorches to remove it, and we had to transport it in an armored truck to prevent radiation contamination.”
Krzyzewski was elated to have been linked to such a groundbreaking scientific discovery. “Anything to help our great campus of Duke,” Krzyzewski explained. “God knows we need it. I mean, look at our arena. We had to name it an Indoor Stadium so the Carolina hicks would know what it is! Dear lord, I could’ve been coach of the New Jersey Nets, but instead I’m stuck here! Ahhhhh!”
It is unknown if the above outburst was a result of the combustibility of the hair, which has been shown to be unstable in several instances. Additionally, scientists have found that the new element could be used as a contaminant, causing the victim to “Bleed Duke Blue,” then die of blood poisoning. Fortunately, an antidote for Krzyzewskium has already been found in Gary Williams’ sweat.