Freshman Letters and Sciences major Jen Cooper was declared missing yesterday after she got completely lost in the College Park IKEA. “We saw her walking by the buffet from the outside,” said campus police Officer Al Wilson. “We can only hope that she can forge a path to the outside, possibly through an emergency exit.”
Cooper ventured into the IKEA in early September, a trip during which she was believed to have been looking for a new CD case. Sometime during the initial journey, Wilson hypothesized, she “must have become disoriented” and may have wandered off into the children’s department. Cooper’s disappearance is not unusual. Police officials have put the number of students lost to the discount furniture store at around 30.
“IKEA is a cancer on the campus, sucking out some of our best and brightest students,” University President C.D.++ Mote proclaimed. “However, that has helped correct our problem of overcrowded dorms.”
Experts point to the store’s vast size and maze-like layout as reasons for the high number of disappearances. Store executives have begun offering customers tracking devices and survival packs, though most customers have been unable to understand their instruction manuals.
“I hope she gets back soon — I haven’t heard from her since her cell phone battery ran out,” said Sara Scott, Cooper’s roommate. “Then again, she’s better off staying there — I get a room all to myself, and she gets to sleep in a different, sensibly-priced bed every night”.
When asked for comment, IKEA officials only provided a package of wooden dowels.
No comments:
Post a Comment